the world according to eric (that's me!)

meeting of the wedding mittee

i opened the meeting by welcoming everyone to the hay rack. it's been a while and there were some new faces - scarlet and sandy, seamus' kids, as well as gerald and barry the two young llemons. lilly wasn't there - nicole said she'd been to an "all nighter" and was a bit tender this morning.

rupert said that was good as he'd read that tender lambs were fetching rather more this year. nicole sniffed.

i read out the email from ron and asked for comments.

jill said ron obviously wasn't very good at grammar. he'd split his infinitive on at least three occasions.  trigger said he had no idea what jill was talking about as he'd never known his grandma. jenny said she could definitely help ron in his search for long lasting companionship and asked if i knew how he'd like to pay.

i explained that it wasn't the literary style of the email i was wanting to discuss - but the content.

jill said to be honest she felt ron could have included a bit more background on his living conditions to set the scene if you like. she said there was a great author called charles diggins who was a past master at setting the scene. she'd been reading him when she was poorly and although they were big books she said could thoroughly recommend them as they had helped her a lot. 

trigger said they were indeed big books and they had helped him from time to time too when he needed to get something from the top shelf in the stable.

jenny said she could definitely help ron in his search for better literary content and asked if i knew how he'd like to pay.

i called a halt to the meeting and asked if they really didn't care that we could all be losing our homes soon.

lucy asked what on earth made me think that and i explained that according to ron the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard are getting hitched and once they go their separate ways they could well decide to split pets corner.

there was a general rumble. we all looked at trigger. he apologised.

lucy started crying.

trigger farted.

he apologised.

rupert asked if we knew who the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard were actually marrying? was it possible that they might like pets and keep us all together.

jill pointed out that even if they do that we may not be left at Queensberry Bay - and what would happen then to our public and our gingernut rations.

lucy cried some more.

nicole joined her.

trigger farted.

he apologised.

caspar asked if he could read the email. i passed it over the rack. nicole took it and blew her nose on it. caspar spread it out on the hay and read slowly.

right he said. i think maybe we're jumping the gun here.

trigger said he'd once jumped a gun by mistake and it wasn't something he was about to repeat.

caspar went on. he said he agreed that ron's grammar wasn't perfect, but he rather suspected that the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard may be getting married TO EACH OTHER!!

lucy stopped crying.

but why would the kind guy with the beard want to marry the bossy woman? i asked. it can't be for the guingernuts as i've heard him say on many occasions that he isn't getting any.

we all looked at one another. this was quite a shock.

then jenny said - if they're getting married to each other there's only one thing for it.

i'll organise a party. 

and how would you like to pay . .

merlin

whoa!

just when i had got used to being squashed up against the fence behind the new shed with seamus, jenny and trigger, things have taken a turn for the worse.

turns out lucy overheard the kind guy with the beard talking to this woman again and the lions are due here next week. she even heard that one of them is called merlin.

now that sounds like a tricky name if ever there was one.

and - worse still - unless i'm very much mistaken - merlin is another boy's name - so that's 2 male lions.

not even a chance of smooth talking them then.

 

 

 

stick together

no sign of any lions yet.

spent the last three days behind the big shed with trigger, seamus and jenny. it's a tight fit for seamus of course - and jenny come to that - but seamus says if we stick together the lions will be no problem.

rupert says with four of us squeezed into that tiny space there's not much danger of us not sticking together. but what does rupert know? he still thinks we should just try being nice - and hide later if that doesn't work for some reason - but trigger says he knows a thing or two about lions and they're not to be trusted.

so for now i'll stay put.

but i do wish seamus would stop farting.

 

 

 

bedsteads

WHOA!

went to plan of action meeting today in the new shed.

the genda that caspar had given us last week said "aob" at the end so i asked rupert what aob meant and he said it meant "any old bedsteads". he said it was a phrase used a lot in furniture sales.

well i thought that was all very strange. why on earth would we be interested in bedsteads?

rupert and i were going to boycott the meeting. rupert said they never listen to what we say anyway so why bother turning up. even when there's a vote jenny always misses us out. why she is in charge of counting votes is anyone's guess. i suppose it's better than trigger - although the voting wouldn't take as long if he were counting of course.

anyway, we decided to go and see what this was about bedsteads.

and would you believe rupert was right. turns out there are some new people coming and we need some extra bed space.

asked who was coming but caspar said it was all very sketchy just now - he'd overheard a conversation between the kind guy with the beard and some woman about someone called otto and his friend.

well that's a silly name to start with.even ozzie thought it was a silly name - and he should know.

jenny suggested we propose a motion to boycott the new people. rupert pointed out that that was difficult when we didn't know who they were. if they were lions for example we might be better off being friendly with them - at least to start with.

trigger said he didn't like lions and asked if he could sleep near seamus tonight?

jenny laughed - quite callously i felt - and explained that even seamus would be no good with lions. she had seen a documentary on TV where huge creatures, even bigger than seamus were brought down by lions who were smaller but much cleverer than them.

seamus said he had never yet been outwitted by a lion. he had to admit though that he hadn't actually met that many.

so now trigger says he'll never sleep again, seamus has gone off in a huff and jenny keeps wandering around making deep growling noises.

i have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

compromised

caspar had a long chat with brenda and tim today. the meeting was private and was held at the far end of the big field. obviously we all respected this decision as we knew it was a very personal matter.

as it happened, rupert and i had business to attend to by the golf course, so by chance were nearby. jenny was there as well - she said she was looking for more igloo eggs to add to her collection. trigger was there, helping jenny count her eggs. george and the guys were there too - they seemed to be examining the bushes.

there was a lot of muttering and then caspar got really angry - which isn't like him at all. when he gets angry he goes very quiet and it was difficult to catch what he was saying over the sound of trigger counting. eventually jenny told trigger to shut up - but he said he couldn't or he'd forget where he'd got to.

rupert suggested he try "3".

this seemed to work. rupert's so clever!

anyway, next thing we hear caspar tell brenda outright to return the picture - AND SHE REFUSES!!!

one thing led to another and before we knew what was happening brenda had produced a whole book full of pictures. apparently she carries it about with her. i definitely saw one of the wee feckeyedleyeguy - looking rather fetching in blue - and rupert reckons he saw lix, seamus and someone called george looney - although how anyone could be attracted to someone with a name like that is beyond me.

do these people not think ahead?

brenda looney?? Pleeeease!

"jenny looney", yes i could just about manage - but brenda??

so there i was rolling about on my back at the very thought of having to call her "mrs looney" when i heard my name being called.

caspar had summoned me and rupert. i knew we were in trouble then and i started explaining about the research we were carrying out into the density of grass in different parts of the big field.

caspar said he wasn't interested in the grass - he was more interested in this book i have of lost soles.

he told us that brenda has a problem and we as her firends need to get it sorted. i did suggest the skycologist but caspar felt that, given the events of today, tim's position was compromised. not sure what this meant but with any luck it'll put a stop to the dance classes for a while.

so i have to report to caspar tomorrow with the book.

wonder if he'll pick up the charge for the deposit??

 

 

 

debriefing

now that things have finally quietened down at queensberry bay after the easter frenzy caspar decided we should hold a group debriefing.

jenny thought this was a great idea and suggested we start with george.

caspar explained that to debrief someone means to go over what they have learned from an experience.

jenny agreed there wasn't much point in starting with george then.

caspar got us all together by the hedge in the big field. he introduced the meeting by saying that in general things had gone well and asking if we had any comments of our own.

i said i felt here could have been more gingernuts.

caspar is very wise. he said there had in fact been the same number of gingernuts but there's more of us now and perhaps our public didn't realise that when they bought their supplies. rupert suggested putting name badges on the fence so our public would see at a glance what a huge group we are.

caspar pointed out that the bossy woman had done just that but that brenda had eaten them.

we all looked at brenda. she said she hadn't eaten them - she had borrowed them. she had a picture of tim under her arm. we all looked at tim. tim looked very concerned.

rupert started whistling the theme tune from blind date.

jill suggested that we could perhaps make more of an effort to go to the fence and show our public what a huge group we are.

everyone agreed this was a great idea. jill is so clever.

there followed a really long discussion about the order of procession. since i'm not really interested in the monarchy and rupert had brought along some cardboard he'd found in the bins i kept out of it but did hear someone say charlie should be in front madge. i must borrow nicole's latest heat magazine - has andrew married a madge?? if that's the case then of course charlie should be in front. has the world gone mad??

anyway rupert had finished whistling and done loads of impressions promising a lorra lorra laarfs when we came onto "spifics". now this is the bit i like. this is where caspar gives us all a report on our results. even rupert stopped to listen.

caspar said jenny's trick of pawing the ground with her foot when anyone came near had worked well on the whole and had got her a good number of gingernuts but she had maybe over done it. the kind guy with the beard was going to have to fill in several of the gaps she had created in the fence - before the igloos decided to go for a paddle.

caspar said also, as the aim was to look sweet and innocent (ha ha) then she perhaps shouldn't follow through with a game of knock down sheep skittles. apparently our public get really concerned at sheep flying over the fence for no obvious reason.

james said he also gets really concerned by this since it's usually him flying over the fence.

jenny said he should move quicker then.

james pointed out that it's hard to move when you've been anchored to the spot by a bungee cord. he also said that, if the public were concerned at sheep flying over the fence once, imagine how they must feel when those same sheep come snapping back again at the end of a bungee cord.

caspar agreed james had a point and suggested that jenny might like to revisit this at a later stage. he did suggest some sessions with our resident skycologist - tim - but jenny said if anyone needed to see a skycologist it was james - he was the one wih the fear of flying after all.

caspar moved onto brenda. apart from  the name tag incident he felt the igloos had done well and had certainly attracted some attention. he felt that their habit of picking up food and spitting it out whilst making a vomiting sound was perhaps a little off putting - but nonetheless all the guinea pigs had now been accounted for and benson the big black rabbit would apparently be back to normal in no time.

he moved onto acrea 1 and 2. acrea 3 isn't here yet. the twins - as we call them - had been absolute stars but had not exploited this opportunity. caspar said madge in particular had put a damper on things by spitting at everything and everybody who came near.

madge said it wasn't fault. she said we should try saying "this is my smashing newborn son" in portuguese and with new teeth. we did and she had a point. rupert was absolutely covered.

and finally caspar looked at trigger. "i know it's spring" caspar said "and i know you're just a youngster with a lot to learn - but if you could possibly refrain from playing leapfrog over everything that stands still for just a second, we'd all be very grateful - including seamus and his ladies."

that's him told.

highlands

yesterday was a bit of a shock to the system. it’s taken several ginger nuts and a whole lot of finely chopped apples to even start to get over it.
rupert had already told us that the kind guy with the beard was looking for lady friends for seamus so it shouldn’t have been a surprise when they arrived yesterday - but they are huge!!!
so now seamus has a girlfriend.

well in fact he has three girlfriends.
rupert says that’s just plain greedy.

had a chat with seamus today to see what he’d found out about the ladies and it turns out he doesn’t even know their names yet!!! he says he’s been too busy showing them his smocking samplers.

seamus knows nothing about wooing the ladies. i could have helped him as i have all that knowledge from when i was wooing jill.
luckily we are passed that stage now.

anyway i’ve had a chat with the new ladies and now know they’re called debbie, maggie and harriet and they met on a walking holiday in the highlands they’re not sure how long they’re staying here. they say it rather depends on whether a better offer comes along.
a better offer? what’s that supposed to mean then?

asked rupert and he says a better offer is like when someone’s moving house and someone else comes along and offers more money.
this is very strange.
why would seamus want to move house?
we need to know!

origin of species

got everything ready for my lesson today. rupert broke into the farmhouse last night and got a supply of gingernuts and i set up my table and easel behind the spa where no one would see us.

i was amazed at how many turned up. even jenny was there – and she’s not the least bit interested in social history. i know that because i once asked her about the origin of species and she said she thought it was carlisle.

or dumfries

or maybe edinburgh

Note to self – must get rupert to set a test on the origin of species. jenny will definitely fail. everyone knows it’s manchester

.

anyway, the lesson started well enough as i went through the manufacturing process of a gingernut.

there were lots of questions like

“can we try one yet?” or

“what are your thoughts on the system of double baking of biscuits which comes from the french “bis cuit” – from seamus of course who has recently passed a test on something called tb - which apparently means triple baking – and who is a bit of an authority on things culinary as well as needeley.

and even lucy asked if you could get organic or fair trade gingernuts.

but the best bit was the tasting.

this however caused quite a rumpus and I’m still not sure why.

always read the small print rupert says.

I never said they’d be tasting gingernuts, now did i??

egg patrol

beautiful day.

sun shining.

clear blue skies.

nicole and lilly went outside for the first time in three weeks and lilly fell sideways on the grass. nicole said at least it was a change from her falling sideways on the straw. i guess it's all part of growing up. although apparently the wee feckeyedelyeye guy regularly falls sideways of an evening and i rather thought he was a grown up.

although he is quite wee.

maybe i'm wrong.

anyway jill and the others went rolling on the ground that was almost - almost - drying out from 5 months of monsoon weather.

and rupert found a new source of cardboard in the end store. someone had left the door open so he went in to have a look. apparently it's packed full of old paper and cardboard - a real aladdin's' cave he said. seamus tried to get in too but his horns got in the way. just as well really as he insists on us sharing things equally and we struggle to keep up sometimes.

rupert brought me back a sheet of something quite tasty with words on it.

and me?

i apparently am the saviour of the igloos and their wee orphaned egg.

as such i'm the only one they'll trust to look after it while they go on the lookout.

spent the day sitting on the egg like they showed me. it is really hard and i now have a dent in my tummy where the egg was.

mable says they are eternally grateful and that my reward will come when it hatches.

can't wait! 

post natal impression

meeting today with rupert behind the old tractor to consider our next move. no cardboard to be seen - i suspect seamus has developed a liking for it too.

at least i hope that was cardboard he had stuck between his teeth. if not, the bossy woman's obviously buying that cheap feed again.

anyway rupert remains convinced that the post therapy did work.

he cites two examples - firstly nicole who, although she still maintains that lilly is not hers is at least looking after her.

this is true of course. we've all noticed that the kind guy with the beard no longer has to pin nicole in the corner to make her feed lilly - and the bossy woman no longer has to kneel in the hay and hand feed nicole apples and gingernuts in a bid to make her stand still.

for goodness' sake - even i'd have stood still and fed the thing for apples AND gingernuts.

anyway rupert says the second example is trigger. rupert is absolutely certain that trigger really can't count beyond three. if he could rupert says he'd demand more gingernuts than we currenlty give him. also, if being unable to count has such a magnetic pull for the girls, how come trigger's best friend is jenny.

i pointed out that jenny is technically a girl - but rupert does have a point.

so rupert says we trust in the post therapy and move onto the next stage.

great, i said - what's that?

it's where you lure the igloos into a corner, he said.

oh joy!