the world according to eric (that's me!)

impression

so!

at long last someone has noticed i'm not myself.

well - i say someone - i guess a number of the guys have asked what's wrong over the past few days - but when you say "nothing" why do they then assume you mean it??? of course you don't mean it. if they were real friends they'd follow up with further enquiries like "are you sure?" or "how can i help?"

of course i'm not sure.

rupert says he thinks i may have a touch of impression. asked jill what impression was and she says it's the feeling of helplessness you get when you look at something.

i looked at trigger. he was counting the llemons. i lost the will to live.

rupert must be right.

asked rupert how i could get help and at that moment jenny came past. she was dragging a sofa.

"what's wrong?" she asked

"nothing" i replied

"are you sure?" she said - "can i help in any way?"

it turns out that jenny is a qualified psycho-psychosist and has just taken delivery of her professional equipment - which is called a shaz lozenge.

said i thought a lozenge was a throat sweet - but apparently that's a fisherman's pie.

i have maybe misjudged jenny yet again. she is in fact really caring and she says that together we can work through all my issues and come out at the other end of this dark tunnel on a ray of hope.

i signed up on the spot for a course of 5 sessions.

"and how would you like to pay for that?" she said.

raymond

spent the day in the llemons shed. they weren't bothered - they don't use it this time of year - far too busy prancing about like pampered princesses - so i ducked under the cobwebs and spent the day there.

where no one could see me.

got into conversation with someone called raymond who was busy in the corner. he said he was a hearwig. he said he was a good listener and asked why i was hiding from my friends.

i don't normally talk to strangers but for some reason i told him about the lions and the penguins, about jenny's roots, about the vet guy and george, about the fact i was supposed to be performing today, about  being chased by a manic igloo on a regular basis and about how every one takes me for granted.

raymond listened patiently.

he then told me a story about some great king he'd once known who had been beset by problems and had sat down one day in despair, not able to carry on any more - much like myself he said, so i knew he understood how i was feeling - and this king had watched a spider working away and decided that if a spider could keep going against all the odds, so could he.

I suddenly felt i had finally found a friend who understood where i was coming from.

so what did he do? i asked

well, said raymond, first off he killed the spider - couldn't stand the things apparently - then he went into battle and died. served him right too. the spider had done nothing wrong.

great.

a hearwig with a social conscience.

just what i need.

the fringe

what a day!

started badly enough when jenny came to tell us it's a bhw - which is when tgr and all hbl.

that apparently was her prior engagement - while the rest of us were busy sticking together in solidarity against the lions - or penguins - jenny was getting her roots done.

anyway rupert and i went to see caspar to get the poa for tomorrow - we're on at 10 am at the spa and then performing again later with ozzie in one of the very popular igloo chases at tea time - and it was then that we saw the most dreadful thing.

hidden behind the old tractor, at the back of the new shed and away from all the gang was the vet guy with a HUGE needle. it must have been at least 2 feet long and was obviously very very sharp.

i was about to suggest we have a bit of fun - poke the vet guy in the backside or jog the hand with the needle as we walked past - when i had what rupert called a flesh pack - suddenly i was back in that dreadful time when the vet guy nearly killed me. i don't care what rupert says - i nearly died.

and there he was about to do the same thing to george and the guys.

does he never learn???

well i tried to warn george. i told him what had happened to me and tried to force the gate to let him get out. but george wasn't interested. he was busy telling the guys about a time in the handies when his friends, arthur and mikey had played some prank on him and cut his fringe while he was sleeping.

arthur and mikey were highly amused.

asked if his friends mikey and arthur were related in any way to our mikey and arthur.

george said "who?"

and then it was too late. within just a couple of minutes he had had an awful lot more cut off than his fringe.

so that's it.

i've had enough.

i am not taking part in the programme tomorrow.

i am not going to be chased around by some manic igloo.

and i am not sharing my stable with a penguin.

the penguins

still no sign of the lions.

spent another three days behind the big shed with trigger and seamus. jenny stopped coming to join us as she said she had a prior engagement. now i know this is a lie - no one would get engaged to jenny, surely to goodness.

well, i say no one. there must in fact be someone out there for her - somewhere - surely - but i'm still struggling to pair up brenda with the man of her dreams, so what do i know?

anyway, there we were, seamus, trigger and i huddled together, when caspar happened to wander past.

he stopped and asked what we were doing.

told him we were sticking together for when the lions arrived.

"what lions?" - he asked.

"otto and merlin" i said.

"who says they're lions?" he asked.

well - he had me there, i couldn't for the life of me think who had actually said it - we just all knew they were lions. i told him this.

caspar snorted - i think he must have had some hay stuck in his throat.

caspar explained that it was very unlikely that they were lions since the kind guy with the beard didn't strike him as a lion tamer. he didn't wear a top hat, for one thing, and the only time he'd been seen with a chair was when he was struggling to get up high enough to ride caspar himself.

i was beginning to see he might be right, but trigger was having none of it. trigger said he had seen this tv documentary dozens of times -  so that'll be three times then -  and lions definitely go for other animals. even great big animals.

seamus farted again.

caspar sighed.

"right" he said. if they are lions we'll know when a huge cage arrives with a man with a top hat and a chair. "until then" he said "we'll assume they're penguins".

trigger says he's allergic to penguins - and they'll definitely want the stable window left open at night.

oh joy.

 

merlin

whoa!

just when i had got used to being squashed up against the fence behind the new shed with seamus, jenny and trigger, things have taken a turn for the worse.

turns out lucy overheard the kind guy with the beard talking to this woman again and the lions are due here next week. she even heard that one of them is called merlin.

now that sounds like a tricky name if ever there was one.

and - worse still - unless i'm very much mistaken - merlin is another boy's name - so that's 2 male lions.

not even a chance of smooth talking them then.

 

 

 

stick together

no sign of any lions yet.

spent the last three days behind the big shed with trigger, seamus and jenny. it's a tight fit for seamus of course - and jenny come to that - but seamus says if we stick together the lions will be no problem.

rupert says with four of us squeezed into that tiny space there's not much danger of us not sticking together. but what does rupert know? he still thinks we should just try being nice - and hide later if that doesn't work for some reason - but trigger says he knows a thing or two about lions and they're not to be trusted.

so for now i'll stay put.

but i do wish seamus would stop farting.

 

 

 

bedsteads

WHOA!

went to plan of action meeting today in the new shed.

the genda that caspar had given us last week said "aob" at the end so i asked rupert what aob meant and he said it meant "any old bedsteads". he said it was a phrase used a lot in furniture sales.

well i thought that was all very strange. why on earth would we be interested in bedsteads?

rupert and i were going to boycott the meeting. rupert said they never listen to what we say anyway so why bother turning up. even when there's a vote jenny always misses us out. why she is in charge of counting votes is anyone's guess. i suppose it's better than trigger - although the voting wouldn't take as long if he were counting of course.

anyway, we decided to go and see what this was about bedsteads.

and would you believe rupert was right. turns out there are some new people coming and we need some extra bed space.

asked who was coming but caspar said it was all very sketchy just now - he'd overheard a conversation between the kind guy with the beard and some woman about someone called otto and his friend.

well that's a silly name to start with.even ozzie thought it was a silly name - and he should know.

jenny suggested we propose a motion to boycott the new people. rupert pointed out that that was difficult when we didn't know who they were. if they were lions for example we might be better off being friendly with them - at least to start with.

trigger said he didn't like lions and asked if he could sleep near seamus tonight?

jenny laughed - quite callously i felt - and explained that even seamus would be no good with lions. she had seen a documentary on TV where huge creatures, even bigger than seamus were brought down by lions who were smaller but much cleverer than them.

seamus said he had never yet been outwitted by a lion. he had to admit though that he hadn't actually met that many.

so now trigger says he'll never sleep again, seamus has gone off in a huff and jenny keeps wandering around making deep growling noises.

i have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

blowing in the wind - again

had 10 minutes to spare before the meeting today so went to play blowing in the wind with rupert.

problem was - it really was very very windy. could hardly stand up. saw the bossy woman fly past at one stage.

odd that. thought halloween was later in the year. may be wrong of course. i get confused when the clocks go back.

or is it forwards?

anyway kind guy with the beard saw us and let us into the stable. so no meeting and STILL no gingernuts. worse still, trigger managed to get into our stable. he never finished counting the bricks in the stable wall last winter - so guess what he has planned for tonight.

but at least blowing in the wind still works.

trevor

dreadful weather!!

windy and cold - and so wet that trevor the duck's the only one smiling.

well, i say trevor's smiling - i realise that ducks don't smile as such. they grimace really. in a stiff-beaked sort of way.

unless it's raining of course. in which case they sort of smile with their eyes.

rupert says that's an impossibility - and pulled a dreadful face to prove his point. but whatever he thought he was doing, it wasn't smiling.

anyway - the weather's so bad that most of our public have gone home and those that are still here are holed up in their caravan things until the storm blows over.

no more gingernuts. no more interaction sessions. even caspar's concerned. he says we can't have another year like last year - which was really cold and wet  - because it is "so bad for morale".

sod flipping morale i say - it was bad for us too!

anyway, caspar's called a meeting for tomorrow to discuss our plan of action - or poa as jenny called it.

she really is a bit childish at times.

a deal

good day.

started well enough.

i made my appearance at 10 as scheduled and then again at lunch time with scary mary. scary mary's being a bit silly just now - springing about and acting the fool - but i have to say our public seemed to appreciate a bit of humour.

had a chat in passing with my nbf and agreed we should work together in the future - or itf as jenny calls it.

she is so super cool - or ssc as she says.

anyway just as i was settling down to a quiet afternoon in the big shed before the fun and games caspar has lined up for tonight - nothing too fancy, a bit of igloo chasing and then the llemons are due on alpaca mountain at about 9.30 - my xbf turns up.

"hi" he says.

i looked up "hi" i said.

"i've brought you something" he said.

he produced a great big cardboard box. " i found it behind the old tractor" he said.

told him my nbf had brought me ggnts and offered me a game of plks that i would be allowed to win. asked if he could match that.

rupert thought long and hard.

"in my opinion," he said "your nbf is a sb who would quite happily steal cnd from a bb let alone sell her own grndmthr."

"can i at least win at peeling looks?" i asked.

"you've got a dl" he said