the world according to eric (that's me!)

human condition

called to a joint meeting of the panty, the tivity and the anti panty tivity mittees.

after the last couple of days i was kind of expecting things to go well.

i was right - in a sense.

first of all caspar congratulated jenny on her "superb" tivity which, apparently, seamlessly combined the true essence of christmas with the pathos of the human condition.

PATHOS OF THE HUMAN CONDITION???

presumably that was the bit with ozzie and the bungee. rupert and i did completely forget to take him down last night and he did look a bit pathetic when we came across him this morning in the rain. his angel wings were dangling down and dripping and ozzie himself was hissing.

never heard a big bird hiss before. not a good sound. simon cowell won't be signing him up anytime soon.

so jenny took the adulation and gave a speech about how it wasn't just about her.

rupert muttered - too right it wasn't - but jenny went on to thank everyone, and especially the nuns in the convent who had given her her faith to start with.

???!

rupert and i pushed our way to the front. we would undoubtedly be called for the tivity work.

but we were wrong. caspar then thanked seamus for his "stunning" panty which, apparently seamlessly combined the pathos of the human condition with the true meaning of christmas.

TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS????!

this is an outrage!!!

what about our input? what about my typing?? what about the angels???

have asked to see caspar tomorrow.  i will not let this lie!

 

it's behind you!

my goodness - does it get much better than this???

another roaring success if i do say so myself.

i was leaving nothing to chance of course and had done my homework. according to google the main difference between a normal play and a panty is that in a panty the audience is encouraged to shout out "it's behind you" on a regular basis.

when i told rupert this he said "whatever floats your boat kid".

i think rupert may have been sipping the sherry liqueurs again.

i don't have a boat.

anyway, with this crucial piece of information to hand we set out on the tivity - i mean panty.

so jenny was snow white.

she did protest that as author, producer and director of yesterday's tivity she would struggle to bring anything to this role - but once rupert had reminded her of the nuns at the orphanage and how proud they'd be she couldn't possibly resist taking the lead.

trigger was the prince.

and a prince singing luther van dross' greatest hits does have a certain charm.

seamus was in his element - not only had his panty finally come to fruition but he was also our dandini. i have to admit that i took a bit of a liberty here. there isn't a dandini in snow white but i needed a character who was larger than life and good at soft furnishings to lift the tone.

george and the guys were the dwarfs.

they perhaps didn't bring as much to the role as the others. they still had their crowns from yesterday and i had to ad lib about them being royal dwarfs. as usual they had no idea where they were or what they were doing and george in particular kept walking into centre stage and asking if the number 6 bus stopped here.

ozzie was the fairy. again this was a bit of an add lib. there isn't a fairy in snow white but - rupert and i couldn't get him untied last night so he was already in position.

and every time he bounced in and out we all shouted "it's behind you".

a right proper panty!!

and rupert and me?

well we were the ugly angels of course.

i wasn't about to give up my sparkly wings after all that!

success!

what a great tivity!!

it was similar to last year - but better because obviously i had to make certain changes.

so jenny was still mary.

she did protest that as author, producer and director she would struggle to bring anything new to the role - but once rupert had reminded her of the nuns at the orphanage and how proud they'd be she couldn't possibly resist taking the lead.

trigger was still joseph.

he did as it happens manage to bring something new to the role. certainly joseph as an out of work micheal jackson impersonator was something i'd not come across before.

seamus did some needlework - although i have to say he also did a lot of grumbling. he perked up a bit though when i told him that i also had production notes for the panty for tomorrow. he even offered to do some proper lowing!

george and the guys were still the wise men.

they perhaps didn't bring as much to the role as the others. admittedly they still had their crowns from last year so they did look the part. but they had no idea where they were or what they were doing and george in particular kept walking into centre stage and asking if the number 6 bus stopped here.

baby jesus was a new role - well it had to be after last year. caspar had insisted on it and i couldn't risk upsetting him again.

so i sacked ozzie and appointed charlie in his place.

yes, there were tears and tantrums - but eventually charlie calmed down an agreed to sit quietly in the manger.

ozzie was the angel gabriel. this was one of rupert's master strokes. all we had to do was give him a long frock and pair of wings and then hoist him up - and he was out of harms way. there was a scary moment when we realised we'd accidentally bound ozzie with a bungee cord, but even with gabriel bobbing in and out of the scene the end result was - i have it say it - superb.

and rupert and i?

well we were angels again of course.

i wasn't about to give up my sparkly wings after all that!

options

well, although i say it myself, i think it's a brilliant plan.

it was rupert who had the idea of course.

i was panicking that i'd never be able to reproduce the production notes again -  to be honest i hadn't paid that much attention to what they were about anyway - i'd just ploughed through them.

but rupert said if i didn't know what was in them, having typed them all up, chances are no-one else would either.

i pointed out that there was a distinct possibility that jenny, as the work's author, could well have some idea of what she'd written, even if she'd forgotten the finer detail in the heat of the moment.

but rupert was fairly convincing. "what other option do you have?" he asked

well, he had me there.

so i've knocked up some new production notes.

here goes!

tea

oh no!

oh no no no no no!!!!!

madge has eaten my notes.

she says she missed tea and we all know what happens when she doesn't eat.

and she saw all this paper.

and she couldn't help herself.

and - what do i do now???

production notes

finally finished typing the notes - and i was very pleased to have been given the opportunity of typing them up. it took me a long long time - but that of course is not important.

what is important is that i have been able to help another person.

even if it is jenny.

bugger!

first meeting of the anti panty tivity mittee

first meeting of the anti panty tivity mittee in the big stable.

we were all there.

jenny introduced herself as a political actival and said her cause had obviously struck a chord in our hearts because this was the best turn out yet.

didn't have the heart to tell her we were all there because the kind guy with the beard's decided it's too cold for us to go out today.

rupert started to tell her this - but i kicked him.

he was reallyannoyed - but it's christmas for goodness sake. you can't go round upsetting everyone - even political activals - because if you do you won't get any presents.

jenny says we've been co-erced into performing a panty that does not in any waycelebrate the true meaning of christmas. trigger started to say something but jenny shot him a glance, followed by an apple core. she went on to say that the only thing that does celebrate the true meaning of christmas is either a tivity or concert.

i said i thought concert was a place in the north east but apparently that's hartlepool.

said i thought hartlepool was a jam maker but apparently that's tesco.

said i thought tesco was a modern dance routine. trigger said "that's weird - i was going to say that".

note to self - get a grip. you are now on the same wave length as trigger.

jenny said - "we are not - that's not - cow towing to the powers that be. we have to make a stand to ensure that the true meaning of christmas is preserved". she said we should start up a face book campaign to show the world that we are not afraid to stand up and be counted.

trigger said it's hard to make stand when there's only three of you and one of them's a bit more vertically challenged than the others.

jenny shot him another glance, followed by an old tin can.

then jill said she was impressed to see jenny so committed to the cause. rupert said he'd be happy to see jenny committed more often. jill shot HIM a glance and i kicked him again.

hope santa saw.

jill went on - surely there was some way that we could combine the tivity with a panty so that both jenny and seamus could be proud of us.

jill does talk a load of twaddle at times.

note to self - santa can read thoughts too!

anyway jenny thought we could possibly do something "along those lines" but said that her tivity would have to be performed first since it was the most meaningful - and seamus' panty could then follow "in due course".

jenny ended by saying that it was vital - vital - that the team took the tivity more seriously this year and that the casting was done properly for once.

jenny's production notes will be available later this afternoon - if i can be bothered to type them up that is.

note to self - must be more careful -can santa really read your thoughts??

first rehearsal

first rehearsal's just finished. i don't think it went too well.

seamus said in all his born days he'd never seen the like. 

i was quite pleased with this but rupert says it wasn't intended as a compliment.

why don't people say what they mean??

it's been quite an eye opener for me. apparently there is no manger in snow white. there's also no angels. and no kings. there's even no baby jesus.

as jill said - what sort of christmas panty doesn't have baby jesus in it?

seamus did start to explain the history of panties but just at that point jenny came storming in and called the first meeting of the anti panty casting mittee. since i knew we were on this mittee we had to down tools and listen. this was ok for me and rupert as we were angels and in hovering mode - but ozzie for example had to jump out of the manger. we'd warned him not to repeat last year's fiasco so he was being very careful not to scare anyone - but his sudden leaping from the mager sparked somehting in the wise men and they took off round the yard.

jenny has demanded that we boycot the panty and stage an anti panty tivity.

everyone bar seamus and mungo seemed to think this was a great idea. i wasn't sure - i am always looking to expand my horizons and rather fancied doing something different this year.

however, when i said this to seamus, trying to express some solidiairty for his cause, he just laughed and said i wouldn't recognise something different if it jumped up and bit me in the face.

this is wrong - i can be a bit stubborn at times but even i would know if something had bitten me in the face. that would really hurt for goodness' sake.

so now i have a real dilemma. to do the panty or not to do the panty - that is the question.

winging it

whoa - meeting in 5 minutes for the first rehearsal and i haven't even looked at the papers yet and have no idea what part i have to play.

i don't even know what the story's about but i assume baby jesus is in it somewhere.

rupert says to chill out. he says no-one's read it yet and we're all going to "wing" it.

this is all very well for ozzie but the rest of us only have feet and they're getting rather heavy!

nintendos

had a panic - how can i give jenny a gift and not rupert - or my jill?

admittedly jill and i are still off following the mother's milk incident - but perhaps the right gift could win her round again.

felt i wanted to write an anthologic of my own poems for her but this would be too painful. so have found a book that truly expresses how i feel - although the title is a bit vague - it's called "Seriously Funny: poems about Love, Death, Religion, Art, Politics, Sex and Everything Else".

have ordered it on next day delivery and will tippex out the sex bit - don't want to offend her at christmas.

rupert wasn't a problem at all - have found something called a nintendo lite. rupert's always admired the nintendo turtles and loves the martial arts - so an easy introduction will be great.

can't wait to give them their presents!