the world according to eric (that's me!)

ram

cold and wet again so madge and i hunkered down with some hay in the barn to talk through her computing needs.

it's not easy as there are so many words that cause her to spit profusely and we were sitting in relative close confinement - but i've found in the past if i can keep her away from ts and ss we do stand a chance of a normal conversation.

so i was steering her towards the ram she'd require - no ss or ts - and then i was going to move onto design - one s but sounds like a z so safe enough - and then through to make - nothing at all there to argue about.

but i had miscalculated - every time i mentioned the word ram chris stepped forwards and introduced himself as the only entire ram in the place. the first time he did this i explained that i was referring to random access memory and not to worry.

the second time i explained that i was talking about computing and not to worry.

the third time i explained that i was looking at computer systems and madge's it needs.

the fourth time i went in search of rupert's post with the rusty nail that i saw the wee fekeeyedleyeguy carrying the other day.

that seemed to solve the problem - but the damage was done of course.

we're now back to discussing it with a t and computing with a p and a t and systems with more ss and ts than you can shake a soggy towel at.

oh joy.

2012

dreadful day.

rain and wind.

rupert and i were sheltering in the green shed playing i spy with trigger when we heard the wee feckeyeddleyeguy talking with pim and drue.

the wee feckeyedleyeguy said life wasn't the same without my blog.

i bit rupert and told him to listen. he was struggling with "something beginning with a headache" at the time and said he needed a break anyway. trigger wasn't too pleased of course but then he's still trying to get back in our good books after hallowe'en so he couldn't say too much.

i mean, for goodness sake it's been two years since it happened and he still can't bring himself to talk about it. he just sits in the corner of the stable looking at the moon and saying we're all doomed. he's also developed a bit of a scottish accent since he's been with us - but we think that's to impress jenny, who fell in love with the wee feeckeyedleyeguy when she saw him in a scottish skirt at the big party.

anyway - things have taken a turn for the worse this year because trigger reckons there's an ancient prediction that the world will end at 2012.

googled 2012 and it's actually a quarter past 8. now i know this must be nonsense because that's just wee bit too vague, even for trigger. and apart from that the kind guy with the beard brings us a ginger nut every night at half past 8 - so surely we can wait an extra 15 minutes for the end of the world??

so there we were trying to take trigger's mind off things when i heard this conversation. checked with rupert and he agreed i'd heard it right. the wee feckeyedleyeguy and pim and drue miss my blog.

hurried round to the barn to get my laptop back from madge. covered in goo again - she really should get help - but have just about managed to get back on line. the q's a bit sticky still but i'm working hard to avoid words with a qqqqqqqqqqq in them.

madge is none too pleased of course. she's been ordering presents for christmas from the amazon - but as i said to her, they'll never get here in time for christmas anyway. that's on another continent for goodness sake.

i think.

anyway i suggested she get herself her own wee notebook - as the trendy ones are now called. we were just discussing the ram she might need when jenny appeared. she gave madge a card. i asked if it was madge's birthday and why we hadn't had ginger nuts - but apparently i know nothing. apparently professional people give out cards that advertise their talents.

rupert said jenny was right as he'd seen some in a phone box once.

so she gave us both a card and said she'd be back in the morning to discuss our needs and wants.

this is great. i've started a list and the first item's ginger nuts. can't wait for morning . .

party

been really, really poorly.

still feel really sick.

the kind guy with the beard and the bossy woman DID get married - TO EACH OTHER!! what's more caspar heard the kind guy with the beard saying he was sure nothing would change - so that's great (although the kind guy with the beard didn't seem too happy about it . . )

there WAS a party in a huge tent and there was LOADS of gingernuts and carrots and rupert and i met some great new friends. can't rememer their names but we're SO going to keep in touch - and there was a bucket for people to put money in to buy us even more gingernuts.

trigger was sick in it this morning so we may have to have a sort through at some stage.

best part though was the fight between the weefeckeyedleyeguy and the music guy. the wee feckeyedleyeguy was SO funny and pim and lix and that new guy that knows won the wabbit had us in hysterics. the weefeckeyedleeyeguy even wore a skirt!!!

and he's a man!!!

how cool is that??

lots of other things happended but i can't rememebr them. i've got such a sore head. think i'll have a bit of a lie down in the corner - or maybe right here . .

meeting of the wedding mittee

i opened the meeting by welcoming everyone to the hay rack. it's been a while and there were some new faces - scarlet and sandy, seamus' kids, as well as gerald and barry the two young llemons. lilly wasn't there - nicole said she'd been to an "all nighter" and was a bit tender this morning.

rupert said that was good as he'd read that tender lambs were fetching rather more this year. nicole sniffed.

i read out the email from ron and asked for comments.

jill said ron obviously wasn't very good at grammar. he'd split his infinitive on at least three occasions.  trigger said he had no idea what jill was talking about as he'd never known his grandma. jenny said she could definitely help ron in his search for long lasting companionship and asked if i knew how he'd like to pay.

i explained that it wasn't the literary style of the email i was wanting to discuss - but the content.

jill said to be honest she felt ron could have included a bit more background on his living conditions to set the scene if you like. she said there was a great author called charles diggins who was a past master at setting the scene. she'd been reading him when she was poorly and although they were big books she said could thoroughly recommend them as they had helped her a lot. 

trigger said they were indeed big books and they had helped him from time to time too when he needed to get something from the top shelf in the stable.

jenny said she could definitely help ron in his search for better literary content and asked if i knew how he'd like to pay.

i called a halt to the meeting and asked if they really didn't care that we could all be losing our homes soon.

lucy asked what on earth made me think that and i explained that according to ron the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard are getting hitched and once they go their separate ways they could well decide to split pets corner.

there was a general rumble. we all looked at trigger. he apologised.

lucy started crying.

trigger farted.

he apologised.

rupert asked if we knew who the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard were actually marrying? was it possible that they might like pets and keep us all together.

jill pointed out that even if they do that we may not be left at Queensberry Bay - and what would happen then to our public and our gingernut rations.

lucy cried some more.

nicole joined her.

trigger farted.

he apologised.

caspar asked if he could read the email. i passed it over the rack. nicole took it and blew her nose on it. caspar spread it out on the hay and read slowly.

right he said. i think maybe we're jumping the gun here.

trigger said he'd once jumped a gun by mistake and it wasn't something he was about to repeat.

caspar went on. he said he agreed that ron's grammar wasn't perfect, but he rather suspected that the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard may be getting married TO EACH OTHER!!

lucy stopped crying.

but why would the kind guy with the beard want to marry the bossy woman? i asked. it can't be for the guingernuts as i've heard him say on many occasions that he isn't getting any.

we all looked at one another. this was quite a shock.

then jenny said - if they're getting married to each other there's only one thing for it.

i'll organise a party. 

and how would you like to pay . .

married

whoa!!

another email from ron the rabbit who lives in the coal shed.

he says the bossy woman and the kind guy with the beard are both getting married!!

on the same day!!!

how much of a coincidence is that!!!!

have called a meeting of the mittee to discuss what we should do. we can't let an event like this pass us by as there will be LOADS of people there and potentially LOADS of ginger nuts.

rupert says we should be a bit cautious as we've never even met this ron guy and, to be honest, would you trust someone you'd never met who lived alone in a coal shed?

he has a point - but a party - we can't miss out on that!

HEELLOOOO!!!

what a summer!!

rain, rain, screaming barnsheets, more rain  - and then my laptop disappeared. i did originally suspect rupert had taken it as part of his campaign to "find himself" but then i found it in the llemon shed one night. madge finally admitted she'd had it all along as she'd been messing with a cousin in the handies and didn't want the screaming barnsheets to find out.

asked what messing was and apparenlty it's an instant form of high tech communication.

i was really annoyed and we had quite a row. i guess madge was also really annoyed as she was spitting profusely. rupert was ducking behind the old tractor and i noticed the other guys were at the hay rack discussing the cloud formations.

i asked why she couldn't just use the phone like everyone else but apparently that's a really stupid question for a llemon. firstly, she said, how was she supposed to get credits?? walk into the shop and ask for them?

i pointed out that that itself was stupid as we all knew there was no-one in the shop who knew how to work the machine. even the bossy woman tended to hide under the counter and fiddle with the printer cable when someone wanted a mobile top up.

anyway, when i finally got my laptop back i found madge had actually been trying to book a flight to the handies for otto, one of the screaming barnsheets. it must have worked because otto has vanished.

and so has the other one - melvin.

wonder how she paid for it?

so without a laptop and not able to handle texties with my hooves and with no other means of liaising with the outside world i had no choice but to spend quality time with the guys. i think this has done us a lot of good as a team. rupert certainly is less like a head with a sore bear and although jill is still poorly she does spend more time with us than before. she says she feels she can be herself a bit more now that there's no-one commenting on her every move.

she lost me a bit there. i suspect she means tim as he can be very critical. i should perhaps have a word with casper about it as it can be quite undermining when you're doing your best in a tricky dance move.

anyway - got my laptop back i found a flood of emails asking if i'm ok. how cool is that??also got one from a guy called ron the rabbit who i understand is living in a coal shed and would like to meet someone with similar interests.

this sounds like a job for jenny . .  

hornets

after the excitement of the hair cut day rupert decided that he and i should get out a bit more. he says we used to have far more fun that we do now and he thinks it's because i've become "too woossy" and "worrying about everything".

told him i was not woossy at all - who was it that stood up to the screaming barnsheets that time?? - but rupert maintained that nicking their food after they'd gone on the rampage hardly counts as a feat of courage.

rupert is wrong.

i started to tell him so but he was having none of it. he says we've become "too cosy" and "middle aged" and we need to live life "on the edge again".

i suggested a game of peeling looks or even blowing in the wind - but that's hardly living life on the edge.

apparently.

he's even suggested we should cut back on the gingernuts as they symbolize what we have become.

apparently.

had a long hard look at the gingernut i keep behind my ear for emergencies. it looks nothing like me. or rupert. other than the fluff.

so now i don't know what to do for the best. went to see jill - who's poorly at present - and she reminded me that rupert always gets like this in the summer. jill says it's a lergic reaction to something. lucy was sitting with jill at the time. they seemed to be doing some sort of quiz. jill was mostly bees- whatever that may mean.

lucy says it will be his hornets.

told her i didn't think donkeys had hornets - but i am wrong.

apparently.

so lucy has given me a sticky thing to apply surreptitiously to rupert at some stage. this will top up his hornet levels and give him a "bit of a boost".

let's hope she's right.

otherwise i might end up with a "bit of a boot".

oh joy!

hair cut

great day!!

kind guy with the beard, the wee feckeyedleeye guy and the why-eye guy decided it was time to give the girls and the alpacas their annual hair cut.

rupert said he knew it was time for the hair cut because the wall had started to rise. asked what he meant and he said it's an old farmers' saying. "when the wall rises the sheeps gets surprises"

said i thought he'd made that up but rupert was having none of it. since rupert's not generally good at rhyming or scanning and since the phrase does both, i can only assume dear reader that he is right.

so the wall must have risen as the sheeps definitely got their surprises. the only one who escaped was lilly, who's too young just now. she decided to have a nap while the others were in the chair.

because rupert knew what was coming we managed to get front row seats. trigger had to stand on top of the trossachs to get a decent view!

anyway it took all day and there was an awful lot of swearing and cursing - and that was just the sheeps! the alpacas forgot they'd had theirs done and went in again for good measure. chris did the same - but we all knew it was only so he'd get double rations of the ginger nuts the bossy woman was doling out. madge and mungo refused point blank to have a hair cut, spat at everyone there and managed to escape - and there was very nearly a nasty accident with scary mary before the wee fekeyedleeye guy remembered where he was putting the trimmers.

it was baking hot and jenny made a killing with the sale of sun screen - which had a familiar smell but i couldn't quite place it. she said it was factory 25 and strong stuff - she was right about that. it absolutley honked. still, if it does the job.

the kind guy with the beard, the wee feckeyedleeyeguy and the why-eye guy can hardly stand now. something to do with a nackered back. or neck. or shoulder.

rupert and i laughed till we cried and then laughed some more.

can't wait for next year!

poker

back on line at last.

have had a dreadful few days what with the screaming barn sheets. they simply would not stop fighting - or screaming. madge told us she thought they were in fact llemons,but they didn't speak the same language as her or mungo. madge rather thought they might be third generation migrators. they certainly were a bit fiery - and they spat even more than madge.

and she has a medical condition.

we all learned to keep our distance of course - specially at meal times.

bossy woman thought she knew best of course and simply would not give in. things came to a bit of a head when one of the new llemons decided to chase her round the paddock. bossy woman was furious. so she ran after the llemons with a bucket of water. in her high heels!

she got absolutely soaked.

did we laugh??!!

so now the new llemons are back inside in the naughty stable. rupert and i felt really sorry for them and went to see them this evening. we took some cardboard specially.

they were playing cards and smoking. don't think they like cardboard. they certainly didn't want to stop and talk. anyway they offered us a game of something called poke her. rupert was quite keen but i reminded him that we had that meeting with the mittee about elfs and safety and couldn't stay.

so what did rupert do? he only went and invited them to tea tomorrow.

oh joy.

screaming barn sheets

whoa!!!

not been able to blog for days - not even been able to start my psycho-psychosist therapy - terriblethings have been happening here. jenny says it's been like the arms of geddon - whoever he may be. even now i'm typing with one eye over my shoulder - which must look rather strange and is definitely giving me a headache.

it's been dreadful!!

first of all these strange creatures appeared.

they looked like llemons - but bigger. they were shouting - and i mean shouting- at each other. jenny said they sounded like screaming barn sheets. now i don't know what a barn sheet is - but if that's the noise they make then i'm obviously better off not knowing.

then today, just as things were calming down another highland thing appeared - well, i say a highland thing - it was tiny so presumably it's a lowland thing. without the horns. or the shaggy coat.

went to see where it had come from - and bumped into nicole. she was sitting behind the shelter with the latest copy of heat magazine. she says it's definitely not hers.

well - this isn'tgood enough. we can't just have things arriving without any prior notice. so i went to see what rupert thought - and he says he's quite philowhatsits about the whole thing.

asked what that meant and he just grinned at me.

rupert is SO clever.

apparently this is what philowhatsits means:

the more animals, the more distractions. the more distractions, the more chances we'll have to get out and raid the bins. the more time raiding the bins, the more cardboard we'll get.

as rupert says - bring it on!!!